Relationships are Complex
Intimate relationships are complex. At their best, they are meaningful, encouraging and beautiful and at their worst they destroy lives. All relationships go through ups and downs.
The Joy is Gone
But when the joy of being together is no longer there we either need to make changes or end the relationship. I am writing to you who have tried everything to save your relationship, but nothing seems to be changing.
Faithful you have Been
You have worked so hard to save your relationship! Your family and friends have been after you to leave your partner. But you took your vows seriously and did everything you could to save it.
It is hard to let Go
It is hard to let go. It feels overwhelming to envision life on your own whether the relationship has been long or short, especially if you have children. You feel like a failure because you are breaking a promise. You never imagined you would be the one to end the relationship.
You feel Alone
You feel alone and fear it will be worse when you are separated. You wonder how it will impact the friendships you have developed as a couple. You wonder how it will impact your children. You ask yourself is this the best decision for my children.
The Promise I Made
Most of us go into marriages with the expectation they will be lifelong. Sadly there are still religious groups that condemn people who leave marriages. If you have done your best to save your marriage, if there was something good to save, you have nothing to be ashamed of. But there comes the moment when it is time to let go so you can find some joy in your life again.
The Nine Signs
Here are nine signs that suggest it may be time to end your relationship:
Walking on Egg Shells
1. You feel like you are walking on eggshells. You are always fighting and/or being given the silent treatment. You haven’t had a good sleep in weeks. The stress is taking a toll on you. Friends, family, and colleagues keep asking you what is wrong. You are too embarrassed to tell the people in your life.
My Children are Acting Out
2. Your children are acting out even though you have tried so hard to prevent the children from knowing that you are having relationship problems. You keep reassuring them even though you know you are lying.
What more is there to Read?
3. You have read so many books on relationships, but nothing seems to be working. Your spouse isn’t interested and thinks all these books are silly. He thinks there is not a problem. He says this is how it was it was with his parents. He keeps telling me just to suck it up. This makes me cry even more.
It is all in your Head
4. You have been after her to go for counseling. She keeps telling you it is all in your head. You still go but no matter what you try nothing seems to improve. The stronger you get the more you realize that you can’t live with this stress much longer.
Your Friends are Worried
5. Your best friend tells you over and over that you have a place to come whenever you decide to leave. They tell you how concerned they are for your wellbeing. They tell you how much they hate seeing you suffer. They keep reminding me that you are not a failure. You are gradually getting to believe her.
Pushed Beyond Limits
6. You are pushed beyond your limits. He goes off and buys the latest Quad which we can not afford. You are getting more and more worried that you are going to have difficulty in paying bills. He wants to go on a big trip this summer. You keep telling him that you can not afford it.
My Spouse is in Denial
7. You would not call your spouse an alcoholic, but you have always been concerned that they drink too much at times. You notice that she is becoming more and more irritated the more she drinks. You ask her to stop and get help but she won’t listen.
I am always Sick
8. You are getting sick far too often. You have terrible headaches! Your stomach is upset. You are feeling depressed. You are at your wit's end. Suddenly the thought you had avoided of leaving is starting to feel like a good idea.
9. You have tried so hard to ignore your intuition. You had never thought you would be the one to end the relationship. You are discovering strength and courage within yourself to make the break. It still feels overwhelming but you know that you will make it through it with the help of friends, family, and professionals.
Are you Ready for the Big Decision?
Are you at the breaking point? Usually, something will happen that will make you question whether it is worth trying to save your relationship. If you can relate to a half or more of the nine points you may be ready to make that big decision.
What a Relief
Once you make the decision to leave it feels like a load has come off your back. You call your best friend to tell them your decision. You start the process to leave deciding that you are going to write a letter to your spouse explaining your reasons for leaving and that you will find a lawyer and/or mediator to begin the formal separation process.
There is Hope
You surround yourself with all those you need to walk through this process. You feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. You know deep within you that you are making the best decision.
Roland Legge offers coaching through REL Consultants for individuals, couples, families, and executives to help them to be the best they can be. For more information please arrange for a free 30-minute discovery call by phoning Roland at 1 306 620-7478 or you can email Roland at firstname.lastname@example.org.