The Enneagram is a great tool but it can not predict how easily you will get along with another type. The truth is that you can get along with any Enneagram type if you are both healthy. Problems begin when ever we get stuck in our egos.
The Enneagram is like a map. It can help you both to build a strong and healthy relationship. Ideally, you will both work on this together. If your partner is not willing to do this, then do it yourself.
Discovering your Enneagram type provides you with a map to help you break down the walls that you built up around yourself to keep you safe. The Enneagram will show you what you need to watch out for based on your type.
When you find yourself in a relationship with a person of the same type, this can be both a blessing and a curse. You may find that this person understands you better than many others because you see the world in similar ways. However, it might be more difficult because you will be very good at pushing each other’s emotional buttons.
A good place to start is to accept your partner or friend as they are. You are not going to change them.
Staying curious to the people and the world around us makes each new person you meet a new adventure.
Use the time when you first meet to discover who they are. What does your friend enjoy? What are their passions? What food do they like to eat? What is there most important values? What makes them laugh? What makes them angry.
Listen through your three energy centers body, heart and head. As you quiet your mind and open your heart and body, you will discover the truth of this person. Watch out so this practice does not become a self fulfilling prophecy.
Practice open, respectful communication. Always own what you say through using the “I statement” Notice the tone in your voice. Make sure your body language is congruent with your words.
Rephrase what you hear your friend or partner say to make sure you understand each other. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of clarification.
Here are signs of health for each type. After each of you discern your type you can use this information to determine if your relationship has a chance of working.
No one is going to get a perfect score. But you will be able to notice if the person is moving in the direction of greater health. You will intuitively know if this person is right for you. All you need to do is pay attention.
Just remember, don’t rush the process. This can take time. It requires you to let go of any prejudices or fears from previous relationships.
· Type One: (The Reformer)
You value your integrity, acknowledge your imperfections and honour your knowledge of how to do things well.
You are a lifelong learner. You know there is a better way to live in the world. You have hunger to share what you learn with the world.
You have learned to be gentle with yourself. You know that you are human. You know that you are not perfect. While you desire to do things right, you are happy if you have done your best.
Many people will come to you for guidance. Many will experience you as a deeply spiritual person. This is one of your gifts. Don’t let this privilege and responsibility go to your head.
· Two: (The Helper)
You care for your self by eating well, exercising, taking time for yourself and getting plenty of sleep.
You enjoy helping friends, family and strangers. You seem to know what others need, and people appreciate your love and attention.
You freely offer help, love and support to others without any expectations of them doing something for you in return.
You are not afraid to receive help from others.
You take responsibility for your personal growth. You are not afraid to take responsibility for your part in a conflict.
You know deep within you how loved and appreciated you are by those who know you.
· Type Three: (The Achiever)
You want to make a difference in the world. You have endless amounts of energy. You are a mover and shaker in the world.
You have a big heart wanting to make a positive difference in people’s lives. It is through your heart that you can make deep connections with others.
You have the natural gift to mentor people in your life whether that be family, friends or your business. People feel comfortable around you because of your great sense of humour.
You are not ashamed of being who you are. People experience the essence of who you are no matter where they meet you.
While you are proud of your achievements, you don’t allow the hunger to get in the way of you living your life. You know that success is measured in many ways.
· Type Four: (The Individualist)
You feel good about yourself. You are not ashamed to be who you are. You can celebrate the unique qualities you bring to the world.
You hunger for deep relationships. You love to speak heart to heart. You want real relationships that are honest, loving, and real. You want people in your life who can be fully present to you and you to them in all the ups and downs of life.
You can accept life as it comes. You have learned to be present in all the many emotions you experience in a day.
You have learned to practise gratitude every day acknowledging the many ways that you are blessed. You have learned to enjoy each moment.
You have hunger to be creative. Your creativity may come out in painting, quilting, pottery, creating jewelry, home decorating, graphic arts, photography and other ways.
You find a rhythm to your life. You know why you are hear on earth. You are glad to be alive.
· Type Five: (The Investigator)
You have a hunger to learn. It will likely be a specific interest that you want to go into great detail such as a certain species of a lichen or a particular aspect of theology.
You have confidence in your abilities. You know you are doing your best. But, it is not the end of the world if someone finds an error in your research.
You are a great observer. You can notice what is going on in a larger group. You can sense the energy of a room better than most of us can.
You love to share what you learn even when it does not feel complete.
You enjoy being around people as long as you have enough time for yourself to re-charge your batteries.
You have a great sense of humour. People feel comfortable around you and enjoy your playfulness.
· Type Six: (The Loyalist)
Your friends, family and colleagues appreciate your ability to prevent problems from happening.
You are trustworthy. People have confidence you will follow through on what you promised you would do.
You are grounded. You are comfortable in your own body. You don’t allow yourself to focus on things you have no control over.
You have learnt to trust your internal wisdom. You are comfortable and confident in making a decision.
You are a great leader. People not only like you because you are trustworthy, but also because of your sense of humour.
You are courageous! When there is something new and or difficult to do you are not afraid to take on the challenge. You are great at bringing others along with you.
· Type Seven: (The Enthusiast)
You want to get the best out of life. You are curious. You are always open to trying something new.
You especially love adventure. You’ll try just about anything once. You always have your eyes and ears open for new adventures.
You are grounded and not afraid of your feelings. You accept the sensations of your body as a gift of wisdom. You can acknowledge your shadow side and learn from it.
You accept that you are a big picture person. You find others to do the detailed work. You take full responsibility for completing the projects that you helped to begin.
While you are an energetic person, you still find time to take care of yourself. You are a team player. People love your enthusiasm for life.
· Type Eight: (The Challenger)
You have an open heart. You are sensitive — the people you are close to knowing your vulnerable side. You have great love and compassion for the people in your life.
You love to help the underdog. You will go to great lengths to help others and you are not afraid to express vulnerability.
You are a force for change in the world. You inwardly know what needs to happen and then don’t waste time making it happen.
You value openness and honesty. You prefer people to be honest with you.
You don’t worry about what others think of you. You try not to be intimidating. You have important things to do and don’t want to waste time making it happen.
· Type Nine: (The Peacemaker)
You have a strong desire for everyone to get along together. You can understand everyone’s point of view. You have the natural ability to help people find common ground.
You have a deep respect for yourself. You have learned to name your own needs. You are not even shy about letting people know where you would like to go to our dinner.
You have learned to acknowledge your anger. You no longer try to suppress it but constructively use the energy.
You can stay present when others are expressing anger with you. Anger is no longer scary, but a tool for improving the world.
You have faith that the connections you have with friends, and family will stay strong for years to come and if for some reason a relationship comes to an end will not be the end of the world.
You have discovered a powerful peace in your own heart that helps you stay grounded in the ups and downs of life.
Which Enneagram types get along? Each combination of types will have challenges. They all get along if you are healthy.
Start by making sure yourself you are healthy. The Enneagram in combination with coaching can help you to be at your best. This process for transformation is a lifelong project. It takes intentionality, courage and dedication. But it is more than worth it.
If you are finding a friendship or relationship challenges, you might want to invite them to do some Enneagram work separately and together. If they refuse and the relationship continues to get worse this may be a sign of ending the relationship.
Once you can name your types, you will have a good blueprint to help you strengthen the relationship. You will both be able to see signs of improved health in yourself and your partner.
When the signs are suggesting to you that this relationship is not good for you both then just let it go. Ending a bad relationship is hard but staying in a bad friendship or relationship is worse.
The Enneagram is to be used without judgement to self or others. It is not helpful to blame self or others if the relationship is deteriorating.
It is to accept that this is what is happening and for each person to take responsibility to learn from the experience. The goal is not to repeat the same mistake.
There is no magic to finding a great life partner. It starts with you taking responsibility for your own emotional, physical and spiritual health and then attracting people who are on the same kind of journey.
Enjoy the journey.
I am, Roland Legge a Life Coach here to help you build a loving relationship with yourself and those you choose to be in a relationship with. You can join my private newsletter list for Free Monthly Advice and get Your Free Enneagram Test and/or sign up for a Free 30 Minute Discovery Call with me in my Accuity Scheduling Calendar.